30 of the best Only Fools And Horses one-liners
A collection of some of the most witty one-liners from the classic sitcom
Only Fools and Horses is one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, and for good reason. It’s packed with hilarious characters, witty one-liners, and absurd situations.
One of the things that makes Only Fools and Horses so funny is the way the characters use language. The show is full of memorable catchphrases and witty one-liners. Here are a few of the best:
30 of the best Only Fools And Horses one-liners
Did you know, 500 years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands. Flaxen-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medieval day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr. Before you knew it, the flaxen-haired maiden was up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole. BOYCIE
As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers”. DEL
I’m a Ming fan myself. He made some wonderful stuff, that Ming. Pity he had to go and die when he did. DEL
God knows how you’ve got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. When they see you coming you must look like a mugger’s pension scheme. RODNEY to DEL
Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed. She must’ve spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting. RODNEY
Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes. DEL
I’ve always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it? GRANDAD
Dear old grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear. DEL
What about the time he was in the Navy, eh? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive-bombed… two of ’em in peace time. RODNEY on ALBERT
I don’t know what you’re worried about. I’ve been eating British beef all my life. TRIGGER
Do you remember your cousin Audrey? I went to stay with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day he sent me down to Sainsbury’s with a shopping list. When I got back, they’d emigrated. ALBERT
You must’ve spent a third of your life standing in front of mirrors. My earliest childhood recollection is of you standing in front of a mirror. Up until I was four, I thought you was twins. RODNEY to DEL
Del: The French have a word for people like me. Rodney: Yeah, the English have a couple of good ’uns an’ all.
He died a couple of years before I was born. TRIGGER on his dad
It’s a well-known fact that 90% of all foreign tourists come from abroad. DEL
What’s the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner? TRIGGER
Give my love to Marlene… Everyone else used to. SLATER to BOYCIE
Look at Grandad. His brain went years ago, now his legs have gone. There’s only the middle bit of him left. DEL
Would any self-respecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper on the sideboard? DEL
I’ve just found out my wife has been lying to me. Every morning she says she’s gonna leave me and when I come home, she’s still there. DENZIL
Come on Rodney, I’ve told you before, it’s everything between you and me split straight down the middle, 60-40. DEL
He who dares wins. He who hesitates… doesn’t. DEL
I’ve got this horrible feeling. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I’ll come back as me. RODNEY
You’ve had more dogs than Crufts. The other day, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners. They found a muzzle in the pocket. DEL to RODNEY
You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom. DEL
I am a black belt in origami. DEL